In just 22 minutes this amazing cultural touchstone of a
show manages to sum up so much of America. I may have watched every episode in
existence (2 seasons) over the last week, including a 6 hour marathon on my Thursday
off – during which I accomplished absolutely nothing else.
Obviously, as a result of this show, I have decided to quit my job, open a thrift store, and show up at the next storage locker auction with a truck and cash in hand. It actually looks pretty easy if you have a way to distribute the crap and aren't a complete moron.
The basic premise of this show, if you haven't seen it, is that somebody didn't pay their storage locker bills and the contents are going to be auctioned off to the highest bidder. They open the door up, give you 5 minutes to look (you can't go inside or touch anything), and then you bid, cash only. Afterwards you plunder this poor person's crap like a tomb robber and try to turn a profit like a good neoliberal capitalist. You're basically robbing poor people of all their stuff behind their back while it is all filmed and celebrated.
The show isn’t really about knowing what stuff is, or being able to spot value in piles of somewhere between boxes and crap; it's about being able to sum up – based on just a few visual clues – if this person has the type of life you'd want to buy at a discount rate, and if anyone else will be dumb enough to buy their dusty junk later.
Although there are commercial exceptions, most of the units are simply someone's entire house in a box. I’m going to guess that a person who packs and entire middle class household into a storage unit may be having sort of a shitty time in their life. I’m going to guess they really would prefer not to see their stuff auctioned off. I am wondering how awkward it would be to see your own storage unit rifled through and judged on TV. I’m wondering how many of these people are dead, which is probably one of the best case scenarios.
There are four main players doing the buying and on the show. I would say profit-turning as well, but one of the guys isn’t really in it for the cash.
The old retired guy – the antique spotter – is the easiest to understand. He doesn't want to resell everything at a profit, he is just looking for cool single items, and he sort of finds them. Over the course of 2 seasons I’d say he has found like 2-3 legitimately cool things – my personal favorite being the pool cue holder. However, I seriously do not believe the amount of money people will pay for antiques. Call me a cheap low-baller but I’d say the cash values on this show are inflated by at least double on average.
The young couple newbie team is my favorite cause the wife is that crafty mix of smart and bitchy and sweet and cute. The guy married way out of his league. They play-fight over everything and at first I hated her, then I hated them for being so cute, and now I like them the most by far. In one episode this woman found the most ridiculous plaster horse head that you hang on the wall and she struts out with it in an otherwise waste-of-money unit and I’m thinking this gaudy plastic crap is valued at $0. Turns out it's some French gold foil thing where in ye olden days you hung it outside of your shop if you dealt with horse meat and the dude gives her 2 grand cash for it on the spot. Who the hell gave these people so much cash?
Then there are two more dudes that are like alpha males who own businesses to distribute the wares and are in it for 100% profit and bring their kids for slave labor and general nepotism. The one who looks like a tough guy is kind of a whiny pussy (but I like his kid), and the one that looks like a pussy is a hardcore asshole and the one I respect the most. The latter is by far the smartest and has made some nice cream on completely obvious units full of commercial grade gear new in boxes that nobody else bid on for some reason.
There is also an auctioneer who is always with this blonde woman and he wears a big, gold pinky ring and asked a psychic (brought in to feel the energy of the unit, of course) what color underwear he was wearing (and she got it right) and he drives a nice car and is a little bit fabulous so obviously he is gay. Then this pretty, cheery blonde woman that I assumed was his minion starts calling him husband and I’m like whaaaaat. They seem like a classy couple and I have no idea how they put up with these yokels.
Anyway, it's my new favorite show on A&E. I have evolved from Intervention to Hoarders to Storage War$. There is a new season starting on Tuesday.
Obviously, as a result of this show, I have decided to quit my job, open a thrift store, and show up at the next storage locker auction with a truck and cash in hand. It actually looks pretty easy if you have a way to distribute the crap and aren't a complete moron.
The basic premise of this show, if you haven't seen it, is that somebody didn't pay their storage locker bills and the contents are going to be auctioned off to the highest bidder. They open the door up, give you 5 minutes to look (you can't go inside or touch anything), and then you bid, cash only. Afterwards you plunder this poor person's crap like a tomb robber and try to turn a profit like a good neoliberal capitalist. You're basically robbing poor people of all their stuff behind their back while it is all filmed and celebrated.
The show isn’t really about knowing what stuff is, or being able to spot value in piles of somewhere between boxes and crap; it's about being able to sum up – based on just a few visual clues – if this person has the type of life you'd want to buy at a discount rate, and if anyone else will be dumb enough to buy their dusty junk later.
Although there are commercial exceptions, most of the units are simply someone's entire house in a box. I’m going to guess that a person who packs and entire middle class household into a storage unit may be having sort of a shitty time in their life. I’m going to guess they really would prefer not to see their stuff auctioned off. I am wondering how awkward it would be to see your own storage unit rifled through and judged on TV. I’m wondering how many of these people are dead, which is probably one of the best case scenarios.
There are four main players doing the buying and on the show. I would say profit-turning as well, but one of the guys isn’t really in it for the cash.
The old retired guy – the antique spotter – is the easiest to understand. He doesn't want to resell everything at a profit, he is just looking for cool single items, and he sort of finds them. Over the course of 2 seasons I’d say he has found like 2-3 legitimately cool things – my personal favorite being the pool cue holder. However, I seriously do not believe the amount of money people will pay for antiques. Call me a cheap low-baller but I’d say the cash values on this show are inflated by at least double on average.
The young couple newbie team is my favorite cause the wife is that crafty mix of smart and bitchy and sweet and cute. The guy married way out of his league. They play-fight over everything and at first I hated her, then I hated them for being so cute, and now I like them the most by far. In one episode this woman found the most ridiculous plaster horse head that you hang on the wall and she struts out with it in an otherwise waste-of-money unit and I’m thinking this gaudy plastic crap is valued at $0. Turns out it's some French gold foil thing where in ye olden days you hung it outside of your shop if you dealt with horse meat and the dude gives her 2 grand cash for it on the spot. Who the hell gave these people so much cash?
Then there are two more dudes that are like alpha males who own businesses to distribute the wares and are in it for 100% profit and bring their kids for slave labor and general nepotism. The one who looks like a tough guy is kind of a whiny pussy (but I like his kid), and the one that looks like a pussy is a hardcore asshole and the one I respect the most. The latter is by far the smartest and has made some nice cream on completely obvious units full of commercial grade gear new in boxes that nobody else bid on for some reason.
There is also an auctioneer who is always with this blonde woman and he wears a big, gold pinky ring and asked a psychic (brought in to feel the energy of the unit, of course) what color underwear he was wearing (and she got it right) and he drives a nice car and is a little bit fabulous so obviously he is gay. Then this pretty, cheery blonde woman that I assumed was his minion starts calling him husband and I’m like whaaaaat. They seem like a classy couple and I have no idea how they put up with these yokels.
Anyway, it's my new favorite show on A&E. I have evolved from Intervention to Hoarders to Storage War$. There is a new season starting on Tuesday.
